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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27718058">Harry Potter Is NOT Gay!</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/JewelQueen/pseuds/JewelQueen'>JewelQueen</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Fics From Turbohell for Being Homophobic (aka XPosts from my FFN) [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Fluff and Crack, Good Draco Malfoy, Good Malfoy Family (Harry Potter), Hogwarts Seventh Year, Humor, M/M, Mpreg, Mpreg Harry, Voldemort dies early, absolute crack, no redeeming qualities</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:15:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,590</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27718058</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/JewelQueen/pseuds/JewelQueen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In a timeline where the Malfoys were working with the Light towards the end, and Harry somehow found a way to defeat Voldemort much earlier and easier, how does that affect their relationship moving forward?  And why doesn't anyone believe Harry when he says he's not gay??</p><p>(Don't be fooled--this is pure crack)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Background Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Fics From Turbohell for Being Homophobic (aka XPosts from my FFN) [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2023406</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>38</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Harry Potter Is NOT Gay!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Part of a major XPosting (see series name); originally written ~2008, completed with companion fic, some edits</p><p>Like the tags and summary say, this is absolute crack trash lol</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Seventh year at Hogwarts started out well: having You-Know-Who sent to You-Know-Where. The Malfoys formally revealed their alliance to the Light and nobody was out to kill them in revenge as all the other actual Death Eaters were dead as a door nail. In fact, Harry and Draco declared a truce and became fast friends. Like, very fast. The two became so close that they even took turns sleeping in the other's House and swapped clothing. Somehow, Hermione and Ron weren't at all bothered by this; although, it was hard to believe that a single thought even had time to go through Hermione's head about anything, the couple was snogging so much.</p><p>Anyways, one Monday in the middle of the year, Harry just stalled up in his dormitory. It wasn't like woosh, the savior just woke up and said 'I don't feel like getting up, or moving at all'. No, it was just a few weeks before that his unusual behavior was rumored to have started. But after the third day of not seeing the black haired hero, (which happened to be the Monday in question), the boys of Gryffindor made a plan to see what was wrong.</p><p>"Alright," Seamus said. "We all know that Harry has been upstairs hiding away, but we don't know why." Everyone nodded at this, even Ron. "So the plan is this, and I worked all night on it: we march up the stairs and barge into the room demanding what is wrong. Be prepared to use force against him, mainly tickling with this feather." He held up a pink feather for everyone to see.</p><p>"Ah, and you worked on this all night, Seamus?" Dean spoke with a mocking tone.</p><p>"Not all night, just after I met up with someone," He grinned. "What happened after that is another story."</p><p>"Spare me the details," Neville told him, a new found sense of worth from the war clearly noticeable in his speech.</p><p>"So this really is the plan?" Ron asked skeptical.</p><p>"Yep."</p><p>"...Alright I'm in. Let's go see what's wrong with Harry."</p><p>Harry heard the sound of many footsteps and reasoned why to himself: 'Must be they finally decided to check up on me and see what's wrong. Glad Hermione didn't spill on me, at least.' With a sigh he closed the book he was reading and laid it on top of his mattress, binding out. He took a minute trying to find a comfortable spot for when the interrogation would start. Soon after, the group busted in.</p><p>"Harry, so nice to finally meet you," Dean teased.</p><p>"It's my pleasure," Harry replied back, burrowing himself in his comforter. "Welcome to my humble...bed. Please sit, sit down...somewhere."</p><p>Being ever so blunt as always, Ron blurted, "So, what's wrong with you, Harry?" before he even sat down.</p><p>Harry rolled his eyes. "There's nothing wrong with me, I just was...not feeling good lately."</p><p>"Why didn't you go to Madame Pomfrey's then, if you were so 'sick' as you claim to be?" Dean asked.</p><p>"I, uh, well..." Harry struggled to find a way to answer without telling him the truth. Seamus, who had sat down closest to the book, picked it up and read the title out loud.</p><p>"<em>Gay Relationships in the Magical World</em>, hmm, I remember this book. It had a lot of information about male pairings and male pregnancy. Now, I wonder why our hero would read such a book...Are you gay?"</p><p>"What! N-no!" He stumbled. "I'm not gay," he said much easier.</p><p>"It's alright if you are, no one would condemn you. You have rid us of a massive evil and all." Seamus winked. "And the wizarding world doesn't label it morally wrong like the muggles do," he added, sincerely after Dean elbowed him.</p><p>"Seamus, I could have 23 wives and cheat on them with 3 people each and they wouldn't condemn it morally wrong," Harry told him in a monotone kind of voice.</p><p>"Aha! You admit to it!" At Harry's perplexed look, he continued. "You said 'people' not 'other women', and you obviously don't care about women at all to have 23 of them and cheat on them with 3 <em>people </em>each."</p><p>"But I'm not gay, Seamus. When I said people I meant humans, wizards, homo-sapiens, <em>people</em>." Harry wanted them to realize he wasn't gay, but bisexual, without overtly saying so, but they--or rather mostly Seamus--was too thick-headed to notice his implications.</p><p>"It's okay with me, Harry, if you are, you know," Ron stated.</p><p>"You can't even say the word, Ron, and besides I think you are too busy with Hermione to actually notice I'm around. And do I even act like a gay person?"</p><p>"Hmm, now that you mention it...yes, you do." Harry shook his head at Seamus.</p><p>"Ugh, just get out of here before you incur 'Mione's wrath." Most of the boys, even Ron, left at that but Seamus was on a roll today for annoying the Boy-Who-Lived.</p><p>"Why?" Finally, a one worded sentence the standing Irish man gave.</p><p>Sighing for the inevitable, "Because I'm pregnant--now go before you make me get up and force you down." Seamus left and returned after a moment's peace.</p><p>"It takes a man to do that, Harry, so you are gay!" An old notebook hit him smack dab on the head.</p><p>"GO AWAY SEAMUS! AND I AM NOT GAY!" Said man did scramble away for his life, cackling all the way.</p><p>The next morning at the Great Hall...</p><p>Harry made a surprise entrance at the Gryffindor table. Hermione, knowing of his condition, immediately stood up to help. He waved her down. Seamus, who also knew, didn't bother get up in fear of getting hit again and in guilt. Guilt that came as soon as Harry spoke his first sentence.</p><p>"Could you pass me the Daily Prophet please, Neville?" Neville barely picked it up before Seamus stood as spoke to Harry.</p><p>"I didn't mean to, I swear! I just did some more snooping and it kind of was too much--Skeeter must have heard me somehow, because I swear I wouldn't rat you out like that!" Before Harry could give him a questioning glance, he fled from the room. Harry just watched him and then shrugged.</p><p>"I wonder what he was talking about," he said over the top of his drink he was sipping. All the Gryffindors at the table went back to their eating or looked away from his glance; Harry could tell that none were willing to give him the information or knew of it. So he read the headline himself. He didn't even finish reading it when he burst out laughing.</p><p>Harry stood up, grabbed the article and started to walk towards the Slytherin table to Draco Malfoy, attracting more attention than his outburst of laughter. "Oh, Drakie-poo!" he called waving the newspaper. "You have got to read this!"</p><p>Draco sighed and rubbed his temples. "Snook-ums, you know Daddy doesn't like being called that name." Harry smiled as he sat by him.</p><p>"I know, that's why I say it." He thrust the paper in his face. "Now read."</p><p>Draco scanned the top page before scowling at it. "You know I don't read this junk, Harry."</p><p>"I know that too, but it's hilarious Dray." Draco gave in and read it. Unlike Harry, he read the whole thing without stopping to laugh. He shared a few glances and a smile with Harry but nothing more until he finished.</p><p>Smirking, he reached for his goblet. "Funny, I was sure that the dark-haired man with blazing emerald eyes and lightning-bolt scar that I slept with was only some psychopath from a society that adores you."</p><p>"Funny, I also was sure that the drop dead sexy blond with amazing silver eyes who was making love to me was a maniac from a society that adores you." Draco placed his goblet on the table.</p><p>"So...is it really true?" he asks, quiet and serious for the first time today, hand reaching out to him.</p><p>"It's a boy and a girl, twins." Harry smiles, putting a comforting hand on top of Draco's and hoping he'd take it alright--since this is definitely something they didn't discuss in depth yet. "...And they'll be just as beautiful as their father was."</p><p>"Was?" Draco raises an eye brow and brushes back Harry's bangs while grabbing his chin. Harry giggles.</p><p>"Stop, that tickles."</p><p>"I know what doesn't tickle..." he murmured before kissing him oh so sweetly. Harry couldn't help the sigh that fell out of his mouth. 

"And I know something else that doesn't tickle," Draco said, confusing Harry before he saw the black velvet box. He gasped then, almost missing his next words. "Will you marry me?"

He could barely focus--the answer was obviously going to be yes, he just had to find a clever and just as sickeningly sweet way to respond. And he found it in the glowing text of a headline they read. He muttered the spell as fast as he could, nervous for no reason, as he passed the newspaper back once more. As he expected, Draco took one look at the new addition he created, his big smile with a touch of the haughty smirk Harry had grown fond of for some reason, and found himself pulled up into a much more passionate kiss. He let the newspaper go to fly up in the air and everyone else's eyes went to it, reading the new title: <em>Harry Potter Is Bisexual (And Says Yes)!</em>.</p>
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